We find it quite easy to be critical, and sometimes even easier to offer our criticism although unsolicited. Criticism is necessary to learn and grow in our relationships and primarily as individuals. Unfortunately, many of us don’t realize there is a way to criticize without having it sabotage our relationships. Constructive criticism is an approach neglected by many of us, even more so with our most intimate of relations, causing a dramatic shift in the atmosphere and tone to what could have been a simple conversation. When compared to the common phrase (used by husbands all over the world) “nagging,” criticizing constructively is much more effective.
The way you criticize your partner can become an art form if you strive to adjust and readjust it to meet the needs of the relationship and personalities within such a union. But essentially, mastery of the art can transform your perspective and bring positive outcomes if quickly learned.
Imagine someone approaching you with an air of unfair and unsolicited negative comments concerning a careless behavior on your part, added to the fact that you have already acknowledged your wrongdoing. It becomes harder to deal with the idea that others have noticed the failure on your part.. Take for example, John and Pearl:
John decides to make a wonderful meal for his wife, Pearl. Knowing her, he patiently awaits her eagle-eye run down. He watches her from the corner of his eye as she approaches the kitchen, sensing her eyes looking over everything he is doing. She examines all he has taken out, what he is putting in, and how he cuts the meat – even the knife is checked, to make sure the blade is clean before he cuts.
Pearl: “Honey, remember to turn the burner off once you are done cooking.”
John: “Yes dear, no pot; stove off…check.”
Pearl: “I just want to make sure there aren’t any problems, that’s all”
John: (in a tone resonating utter disgust)
“I do cook when I am alone, you know.”
Pearl could practically hear his eyes churning in the back of his head, and so avoiding another smart comment that could escalate into an argument and silently, relinquishing peacefully to the fact that he does seem to have everything under control, returns to her seat on the couch for a relaxing late afternoon nap. She awakes to a gentle kiss on the cheek and the intoxicating smell of John’s cooking lures her to the kitchen. Nearing the stove she can hear its faint buzzing telling her it is on.
Meanwhile, John is completely unaware of the entire situation. Pearl, looking at the stove, then again at him, recalls her last argument with him over the dishes. “You are not his mother”, she thinks to herself. Then she proceeds, “Baby, I thought I asked you to turn the stove off?” He replies, “Oh, is it on? My bad.” She stands there, mouth wide open and ears starting to turn red. “Baby, this is a big deal, I told you this before and you still didn’t pay it any mind. I’m telling you this for your own good. You never know, in a couple of years we can have kids and they could come around and touch the stove… then what?”
“Well, they learn never to touch the stove again when it’s on,” he chuckles. This makes her flamingly angry, her voice starts to increase in volume, pitch and speed (almost like a combination between the guy in the old matchbox car commercials and a chipmunk) “Is this a joke to you? I’m being serious here. This is the reason why I tell you in advance not to do something and then you do it and then have the nerve to make a joke about it! You never listen, even the last time you…” And the conversation (now turned argument) goes on from there. Can you relate?
Analyzing Pearl’s situation, there were some things she did right but there are others she can do better. When preparing to criticize someone constructively you need to keep in mind the following:
- Learn to identify the relationship you are in with the person. Limited boundaries mean limited disclosure. If you are husband and wife, treat him like your husband, not your five-year-old. He might act child-like many times, and you can find it absolutely adorable, but in this situation he does not want to be spoken down to.
- Clear your mind of any misconceptions, perceptions or assumptions of the situation. Meaning, make sure the stove is actually on, before you start telling him that it is. The last thing you need is for him to call you a “nag.”
- Take a deep breath. If you can feel the frustration building, walk away. Calm yourself first, then speak to him in a very rational tone. You are not going to yell and scream, but discuss, like two grown adults. Acknowledge your own feelings in the situation. Otherwise, how will you keep mind of his? If you start attacking him, eventually, this tactic will undermine the seriousness of all your conversations. Be prepared for a response like “You are so dramatic” or “Are you PMSing?”
- Focus on both positive and negative qualities of the person. When preparing your criticism, approach with an air of humility. You can never imagine this person doing anything wrong, because he always does other things right. Or taking Pearl’s example, start off by thanking him for such a lovely meal that he prepared and remind him how special he makes you feel when he is so thoughtful. Men need appreciation for all they do – a lot of it. Ease into the criticism after he realizes that you are aware of how invaluable he is. This will ease any tension. If you approach him, suddenly, and start bullying him, the next time he might just run away from you, literally, or what is more concerning is that he just might fear speaking to you – about anything.
- Ask questions and listen to responses. Clarify expectations and intentions of your criticism. Instead of saying “you never listen to me” try, “I am very concerned for our safety, and eventually our child’s safety in and around the home. When I asked you to keep in mind that the stove was off after you finished cooking, my intention was to make you more aware of what dangerous situations I am afraid to see. Did you understand where I was coming from?” Many times, women do not communicate effectively causing many misunderstandings. Having yourself repeat your reasons aloud, and your partner repeat what he understands from your statements is a good exercise in communication.
- And lastly, please DO NOT!:
A. Generalize or bring up the past, “you always do this”.
B. Blame; instead take responsibility: “I feel…, I get upset when you…, I don’t like it when you…”
C. Say ”I know what you mean”.
D. Call him names, curse or compare him to someone else, “you are just like my father; your father; my brother…”
E. Immediately discuss because you want to discuss; if he needs a break, let him have one.
Your words will be most effective if said in a civilized tone. If you condescend, yell or whine the opposite person will become defensive before you get to finish your sentence, and most probably what was said will go “in through one ear and out the other.”
Remember, criticism does not have to be the source of friction in a relationship; both partners should be attuned to each other’s needs and expectations. A successful relationship is one that grows together over time, where we learn and refine our personalities, allowing ourselves to improve in order to achieve our own goals along with our partner’s. Love and security within the relationship allows the freedom to criticize within it – constructively, of course.