Monday morning at the office and as *Kiki, my colleague, and I wait in the reception for the Janitor to finish cleaning, we get to talking.
“So how is your adorable four-year-old?” she asks
“Oh she‘s okay, at school.”
We continue to talk about how adorable my daughter is and how she is also capable of turning me into this mad woman, chasing her around screaming in a quest to get her to put a sweater on.
This is when the line of conversation changes.
“I love kids.” She says. But she doesn’t want to have any. Sure one day she might wake up in the morning and change her mind. If she’s past child bearing age by then, well, there are options.
Why? At age thirty-two, *Kiki always knew, since she was old enough to make serious life-altering choices that she didn’t want to have kids. Certainly, if a sibling or friend has kids she’ll be happy to watch them, spend holidays with them, have them over for weekends and be a part of their lives but not to raise them.
Question is how do you really know you want to have kids? In all parts of the world, both men and women are socialized this way: You’re born, you grow up, get a good job but more importantly, have kids and more specific to this part of the world, to sustain your bloodline. What people fail to realize is that child rearing is not for everyone. Not everyone dreams of the proverbial picket fence with 2.5 kids. What I find absolutely appalling is when people in today’s world just cannot understand that some people’s definition of happiness is being able to take a couple of days off work and make a round trip to the Mole game park on a day’s notice. For many people if a person decides they don’t want kids, it’s because they’re selfish, hate kids or are sterile.
I spoke to another friend, a man this time and well past his prime. He said although he would never judge anyone for not wanting to have children, he would certainly not advise any to be child-free.
Why? Well, according to him child bearing is a natural stage in life that provides a certain fulfilment which is even greater as you age. And yet there are stories of parents who blame their inability to reach their full career potential on having children and it’s interesting to note that barring traditional stigma, many of them would have opted to be child-free.
As a society, we keep talking about women who don’t have the time for their children because of their careers, etc and yet, we are the same people who are quick to chastise women who haven’t had kids by a certain age.
How do you really know you want to, or don’t want to have kids? I’d say there’s no right or wrong answer. Search deep inside and ask yourself what you really want. Does becoming a parent help you achieve that goal or otherwise? After all, it comes down to what your definition of happiness is.
And to the brave women who have made that bold decision not to have children, I say Kudos to you.