When we think about addiction, the first thing that comes to mind is alcohol or shopping addiction. And yes, there is addiction to pornography as well. Just like alcohol and shopping addiction, addiction to pornography is detrimental to relationships, particularly intimate romantic relationships. So what do you do when your partner, with whom you are madly in love, is struggling with pornography?
ONE: The main question you have to ask yourself and your partner is: “does my partner view his or her constant affinity for pornography as an addiction?” If your partner does not see it as an addiction but just something that he or she does, then there is a larger and separate conversation you will need to have with yourself and your partner. However if your partner sees his/her struggle as an addiction to pornography then, you can ask yourself the following questions:
“How is pornography affecting my relationship with my partner?” “In what ways is my partner’s addiction to pornography affecting how I think about and see myself as a person in general and in this relationship?” “Do I care and love my partner enough to stay in this relationship with him/her even as he/she struggles through this addiction?” “What do I need mentally, emotionally, spiritually and socially to be able to stay in this relationship as my partner struggles through this addiction?” “What does staying or leaving this relationship look like and feel like if my partner refuses to seek assistance for this addiction?”
TWO: you and your partner need to have a difficult and honest conversation about how the addiction is affecting your emotional and physical connections with each other.
THREE: speaking the truth in love with each other, help each other to understand the function/s of pornography in your partner’s life and in your relationship with each other. In other words, what need is pornography fulfilling in your partner’s life or in the relationship?
FOUR: Be mindful that your partner probably feels shame about his/her addiction to pornography so make sure that you don’t take an accusatory stance with your partner when having this difficult conversation. Remember that your partner isn’t the enemy here, addiction to pornography is!
FIVE: Make sure that you bring your understanding ears to this difficult conversation. Deeply hearing and understanding your partner’s needs for pornography, why he or she started viewing pornography and how it impacts him or her negatively and/or positively are important to dealing with this struggle.
SIX: Bring your courageous heart to the conversation. Your partner will certainly tell you things that you might not want to hear about why and what pornography does for him or her emotionally, physically, and mentally.
SEVEN: Be sure to also focus on positive aspects of your partner and the things that you love about him or her and your relationship with each other.
EIGHT: Finally, seek professional help such as relationship counseling as well as individual counseling for both yourself and your partner.
Remember, both you and your partner have to agree that pornography is an addiction that is just a physical connection of sex.