Dear Dad…

It is often said that relationships between parents and their children across gender lines are special and strong; hence it may not be surprising that in such an expressive art form as Hip Hop, many rappers dedicate songs to their mothers. The idea of men being more emotionally reserved and less talkative may serve as another explanation – not for the anger but for the expressed lack of affection.

As I watch 2Pac’s ‘Dear Mama,’ I wonder if there are any comparable songs that praise you – black fathers. I am feeling the song and the message it delivers; I have a number of records that pay homage to the struggles, sacrifices and unconditional love of black mothers – having to raise children in hostile environments and teaching them to be men. In these songs black male artists passionately communicate how much their mothers have assisted them through the hardships of growing up and a deep thankfulness and love for their mamas. Conversely, lyrics to fathers often convey a deep rooted anger and sometimes even hatred towards them. This anger directed at fathers may stem from a lack of affection, disrespect towards their mothers and the absence of a dad in their lives. As I ponder on the thought, I still cannot remember any similar songs, though I do not recall listening to music by female artists dedicated to their mothers. What occurs to me is that many black artists tend to express their love for their mothers and frustration at their fathers.

Turning this perspective onto my own life I find my story to be mirrored in many of these lyrics: my history provides me with praise for my mother and anger for the non-existence of my biological father. Thus my own story would perfectly fit in the statistics indicating that an over proportionally high number of black children grow up without a father and have a difficult or rather do not have a relationship with their fathers at all.  But since my story also contains the chapter in which You entered my life, I have to add some explanations and extra verses if I am to write a song about my parents.

That song would certainly contain passages expressing anger, and it definitely would contain lines of gratitude and thankfulness towards You. I would try to articulate things worthy to be uttered that otherwise would remain unsaid and I really feel like I owe it to You to tell You about how much I appreciate your presence and involvement in my life. If  not in that unwritten song or in this article I probably would not be able to tell You all of this face to face because we do not talk much nowadays, and thinking back I believe we never really talked to each other very much. Not that I would describe you as a man of few words or as a particularly silent person, I simply cannot remember any long conversations we have had and I would describe myself as a quite talkative person. What may have caused our limited level of communication might have been because we speak different languages, or more precisely that we have different mother tongues. This should be quite surprising since You are my father, albeit legally You would be labeled my stepfather. In addition to such technical language barrier problems it may also simply be true that there might not be as much communication – especially on the emotional level – between father and son as there is between mother and son or daughter.

Usually all of this does not bother me much, but sometimes I just feel like sharing more of my life with You and I do not want our life experiences to get lost in translation. That I am writing this article addressed to You in English just fits the bill, where Your native lingo is Ga, my mother tongue is German and we both switch to English when explaining more complex issues to each other. Besides all the language confusion I am really thankful that You structured my life, which throughout childhood had always been quite chaotic. You provided everything expected of a father: presence, guidance, a male role model, faith, a culture to identify with, family values that I still cherish and last but not least, fatherly love. What is probably most notable about your paternity is that You always made it feel natural being Your child. Regardless of what other people thought, regardless of the doubts other family members had, regardless of language barriers and color differences, although in real life that is more of an issue than in the Huxtable family, You are another example of a black father successfully handling the uphill task of raising a child in a society that poses as a challenge to You.

Even though communication between us has not intensified, You have still made a great impact on my life. So, I hope you read my ‘Thank You, Dear Dad’ in and between the lines of this article.