Healthy relationship means something different for each one of us. However, I believe that a healthy relationship should have a SHAPE that works for both partners in the relationship. To build a healthy relationship you have to know the SHAPE of your relationship:
S = Spirituality – Meaning, the foundation on which your relationship is built. Spirituality does not necessarily mean religion, but more so the belief that you and your partner are building on a foundation that is greater than the both of you. There is a shared purpose for your relationship. What is that shared purpose? How are you two working together towards that shared purpose? Does the shared purpose give meaning and nourishment to your love?
H = Heart – Is the heart of your relationship healthy? Are the relational arteries between you and your partner clotted with bitterness, criticism, discontent, sadness, betrayal, emotional pain, abuse, disappointments, etc? Healthy relational arteries free up you and your partner to connect with each other and be there for each other during the good and rocky times. Having the relational humility to listen when you want to be defensive, to say “I am sorry” when you know you are in the wrong, and to forgive and extend grace to your partner are some of the ways to cultivate healthy relational arteries. So what is the condition of the heart of your relationship?
A = Ability – What do you both bring to the relationship to enhance your love and affection for each other? Knowing your own abilities and partner’s abilities is critical to building a healthy relationship. In other words, what are the strengths that you and your partner bring to the relationship? What are your abilities or your partner’s abilities in resolving conflicts, expressing emotions, having difficult conversations, listening, showing affection, etc.? Making clear to each other your expectations on ways to balance the diverse abilities between the two of you is also crucial.
What do I mean by this? Just because you are the one in the relationship whose strength is to bring up difficult topics that you partner does not like to talk about, does not mean you have to ALWAYS be the one in the relationship to bring up such topics. Your partner must also have the courage to bring up difficult topics as well. There needs to be some element of courageous balancing and sharing of the loads of both of your abilities in the relationship, so that one person is not left emotionally empty because he or she is over sharing his or her abilities in the relationship. How are you and your partnering balancing and sharing the abilities you bring to your relationship?
P = Personality. If you were to describe the personality of your relationship, what would it be? Is it cheerful, upbeat, serious, fun, argumentative, affectionate, impulsive, anxious, dependable, courageous, boring or tiring, etc.,? The personality of a healthy relationship is not always positive and neither is the personality of an unhealthy relationship always negative. Having a realistic healthy romantic relationship is allowing there to be room for your relationship to have a personality of both serious and fun, or anxious and cheerful. If you describe the personality of your relationship overtime to be always negative, then there is trouble. Then the question is: Looking at your relationship closely and overtime, what is the personality of your relationship?
E = Experiences. Usually, when people ask how we feel about our relationships, emotions are what comes up first in our expressions of how we feel about our relationships. However, we are often not aware that these emotions are connected to experiences that are buried in our souls about our relationships. Our experiences in relationships are often the power that fuels emotions of the way we feel about our relationships. So, how would you describe the overall experiences in your relationship? What emotions come up for you in reflecting on these experiences?
To have a realistic healthy relationship, both you and your partner have to be committed to building the SHAPE of your relationship that allows for the light of your love to shine. Being a great steward of your love with each other gives your relationship the foundation of having a shared meaningful purpose, courageous heart, balanced ability, flexible personality and overall emotional experiences that speak to the truth of your love.
Contribution by Dr. Christiana Ibilola Awosan, Ph.D., Relationship Enhancer