Romantic relationships depend on how attachments are formed. If you remember, this was defined as the deep emotional bond we have with our partner, a universal form of human behavior in our previous issue. One thing we should know is that not only are we designed to develop a connection to our romantic partner, but there are also some important differences in how this occurs and how we perceive and reciprocate the love we experience, or shall I say our respective attachment styles.
Romantic attachments depend on our comfort level with intimacy. This also is a prescribed behavior from our youth that we constantly develop as we grow older. According to John Bowlby, also known as the “father of attachment theory,” there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:
- Proximity Maintenance – The desire to be physically close to the people we are attached to
- Safe Haven – Desire to return to attachment figure for comfort and security when facing a situation closely associated with illustrative feelings of fear, threat or severe duress
- Secure Base – The attachment figure serves as a base of security from which one can explore the surrounding environment without feeling threatened
- Separation Distress – The anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.
Mary Ainsworth further expanded on Bowlby’s findings while conducting her famous “Strange Situation” study of mothers who left their 12-18 month old children alone in a room for a short period of time and upon returning, comforted them. Based on the study she concluded that the type of care we are given as infants by our caregiver can be a strong determinant of how we feel we will be loved by our significant other. Typically as infants, we form an attachment to our primary caregiver, in one of three ways:
- Secure attachment – where one believes that romantic love is enduring.
- Ambivalent attachment – where one falls in love often.
- Avoidant attachment- where one believes that love is rare and temporary.
Researchers Main and Solomon added one more attachment style:
- Disorganized attachment – normally one who is confused or apprehensive.
Being knowledgeable of our attachment style is important because it influences our romantic relationships; it affects how we think, feel, and behave. Almost every relational behavior is influenced by one’s attachment style.
A child who has developed a secure attachment to their caregiver normally has secure relationships as adults, relationships that are long-lasting and less stressful. Secure individuals are comfortable being close to their partners. They take comfort in having someone depend on them just as they are comfortable being dependent on another individual. Being more trusting, open, and understanding, they approach problems and issues that may arise with their partners in a constructive manner. They enjoy intimate relationships, seeking out social support, and an ability to share feelings with other people.
When a child is extremely distressed at losing the sight of their parent or caregiver, an ambivalent attachment style develops. As adults they often feel reluctant about becoming close to others and worry incessantly that their partner does not reciprocate their feelings, leading to frequent breakups and often have cold and distant relationships. Many often feel distraught after the end of a relationship.
Those with avoidant attachment styles tend to avoid caregivers, especially so, after a long period of absence. They do not seek out comfort or contact from the caregiver but they do not completely reject attention from the caregiver. They show no preference between a loved one and a stranger. As adults, they have difficulty with intimacy and closeness in relationships. Not much emotion is invested in relationships and little is lost at the end of one. Most likely they may fantasize about other people during sex and will likely engage in casual sex. During stressful times, they fail to support their partners and display an inability to share feelings, thoughts and their emotions with partners.
Children with a disorganized attachment style exhibit a mix of behaviors. Normally they are dazed and confused, feeling comforted and frightened by the same thing that comforts them. They question if what they have is truly what they want.
Each attachment style would result in a different behavioral approach to the same situation. Take for example, say your significant other went out with their friends tonight and said they would call. It is past 1 a.m. and the phone has not rung as yet. A person with a secure attachment style would think their significant other is out having a good time and will speak to them in the morning. One with an ambivalent attachment style would be up all night worrying about them, thinking up different negative outcomes of this one incident. One with an avoidant attachment style would probably be fast asleep, and in the case whereby their significant other did call in the wee hours of the morning, they would be annoyed and ask, “What do you want?”
It could just so happen that he/she was actually having fun and just lost track of time. We refuse to see the world as it may be, and only care to impose our beliefs on what we experience.
It helps to understand how we form these attachments and how our reactions to certain instances can make or break an already strong relationship. They can influence our experience of jealousy, self-disclosure, conflict resolution, love, commitment, intimacy, and sexual behaviors to name a few.
While we cannot say that infant attachment styles are identical to adult romantic-attachment styles, research has shown that they can help predict patterns of behavior in adulthood.
But, is our childhood to blame for all of our failed relationships? It could be, though once we have a better understanding of what has gone wrong in the past, we can make strategic changes to our approach in our relationships and prevent unnecessary negative perceptions of a situation.
In the previous issue we touched on our childhood being a prime factor in our predisposition to lying, and how to control the urge with a better understanding of ourselves. While this month’s is focused on acknowledging our attachment styles and hopefully making changes where they are needed, we hope you would join us next time as we discuss behavioral patterns based on our respective love styles.