Being the nice girl might have stemmed from childhood. When we were younger, we were encouraged to be nice, sacrifice our self-expression for respect, hide some parts of ourselves to be accepted, and to always be pleasant, or else we were considered stubborn or unruly.
While being nice is all well and good, the problem arises when you overdo it. You give too much of yourself at the expense of your happiness and energy. All the while sacrificing or even lacking boundaries. This sends the message that everyone else is more important than you. In turn, it becomes harder to say no.
Niceness coupled with empathy can become an especially lethal combination. Not only do you constantly feel the need to help others, you always place yourself in their shoes, understanding their needs. You become scared of hurting the feelings of others because you understand what it means to feel hurt. You can almost experience their emotions with them and for them.
Being the nice girl means always being there for everyone when they have problems, constantly having to keep a smile on your face no matter what you are going through, and never complaining. The nice girl is always tolerant at the cost of her peace and just can’t seem to say no. When conflict arises, you take the blame and bear the brunt of the situation. That’s what being the nice girl does. You become too understanding, put others first and never stand up for yourself.
Being the nice girl can even be a nicer term for “people pleaser.” A people pleaser is someone who wants to make everyone else happy. They always want to put a smile on everyone else’s face. They want to give. Maybe because they seek external validation. Praises from people may be the major way to realize their own internal sense of self-worth. But is the appreciation and praise that you gain from others worth your own happiness and peace of mind? Being a people pleaser can also stem from insecurity. Being overly concerned about what others say about you and how they react to you. You don’t want to disappoint people so you give.
If being the nice girl and a constant people pleaser can stop you from living a life of peace and contentment: a life that feels true to you, then isn’t it better to begin to program yourself where you are your own number one? Though it is okay to be kind as long as it doesn’t cost you yourself.
How to stop being the nice girl
Stepping out of the “nice girl” umbrella begins with a change of mindset. You do not have to take care of everyone else. It’s not your responsibility to cater to the full emotional needs of a fully grown adult. Taking care of your needs is not a bad thing.
You also have to set clear boundaries with both yourself and others. When you aren’t able to handle someone else’s emotional needs, say no. Ask people not to beg you for things when they know you can’t say no. Make yourself available only at certain hours. Switch off your phone if you have to and make time only for yourself if necessary.
Become more in tune with yourself. When a situation arises, ask yourself what it is you actually want to do versus what is expected of you. You do not need to keep fueling people’s perceptions and expectations of you.
Practice saying no when you really don’t want to say yes. Say no to outings, to taking on more workload. Say no to things that do not feel truly aligned or that cause you to internally grumble or complain.
And finally, realize your sense of self-worth. You deserve to nurture your own energy. It’s okay to put your happiness first. You deserve the same love and respect as you give to everyone else. You also deserve to take up space. Your time is valuable. We teach people the way we want to be treated by the things we are accepting of.